Chatting With Skype-Bots #1

Do you ever get those chat bots trying to bait you on Skype? Sometimes i write back if i'm bored enough.

*** Jen Vaughn would like to add you on Skype ***

*** Brian Nichols has shared contact details with Jen Vaughn. ***

Jen Vaughn: hey there, thanks for accepting... feel like talkin?

Brian Nichols: actually i'm at work. maybe later?

Jen Vaughn: i got ure name from the member directory here on skype cuz i was bored and lookin for new people to talk to. lol

Jen Vaughn: 25/f here u?

Brian Nichols: same

Jen Vaughn: well what r ya doin?

Brian Nichols: in the bathroom, taking a huuuuuge crap

Jen Vaughn: i'm just getting ready spring break at school, i'm still in college right now so i'm really lookin forward to it ya know

Brian Nichols: you should drop out. you probably will fail anyway, and end up doing disreputable things for money.

Jen Vaughn: lol, soo i have an idea if ure up for a lil fun

Brian Nichols: you see? it's begun already.

Jen Vaughn: i was actually gonna get to my "job" here shortly. a friend of mine was working online and i kept askin her about it so she showed me what she was doing when we got back to school after summer break

Jen Vaughn: Lol i thought she was out of her mind at first, but its pretty cool actually. we work online doing private webcam shows which sounded nuts at first trust me. but i freakin luv it!!!

Brian Nichols: i knew it. Jen this is a dark path you are about to embark on. i recommend you talk to a guidance councellor. or your family.

Brian Nichols: Jen, it's not too late!

Brian Nichols: you can still turn your life around

Jen Vaughn: well what i was going to say is i have some free passes and i usually just do a private show before i get started to "warm up" lol. no one is online though so i was going to give u one of the passes if u wanted but u have to give me a really good rating so i can get more if u do tho k?

Brian Nichols: no, it wouldn't be right to enable this sort of behaviour. i take back what i said before, Jen. don't give up on college. you have so many more opportunities than women of prior generations. don't squander them, Jen. You have so much potential.

Jen Vaughn: dont u worry tho... ill earn it lol. k its http://bit.ly/1DmMxXq and u should see a lil button to accept my invite and create your profile. u just click on that.

Brian Nichols: I can see i'm just not getting through to you. When you're ready to listen, perhaps we'll chat again.

Jen Vaughn: then you just make ure own username or w/e and u can cumm join my private chat for us 2 and type to me and tell me what you want me to do

Brian Nichols: Goodbye you poor lost soul.

Brian Nichols: By the way, how much for a full annual membership? I'm so goddamn horny, Jen.

Jen Vaughn: yea you are going to need a c.c of sum sort... but, its just to verify your age

Jen Vaughn: this is the "special" page for special ppl!! lol im such a goofball sumtimes

Brian Nichols: Yes, quite a goofball. Farewell my love.

Rejected Cracked Article #2 - Quickie - Human Obstacles

5 Types of Human Obstacles

People need to learn to get out of other people’s way. Especially out of my way. It’s probably some sort of devolution phenomenon at work, but it seems like the human race is producing an alarming number of human obstacles. You might find them while walking through the mall or driving on the road, but believe me, they are out there, always in between you and your destination. For example, you’ve probably encountered:

The Doorstop
You’re about to enter a restaurant or shop but the person in front of you enters, then comes to a sudden halt as soon as they cross the threshold, like a deer in the headlights. If you’re not paying attention, you might walk right into their back and knock them over. Maybe you should do just that.

What They Should Do:
Enter the premises, step to one side, then look around to get their bearings.

A similar, but even worse form of this human obstacle is...

The Stairmaster
This primate likes to come to a sudden stop upon reaching the top of an escalator, blocking any hapless souls behind them. Commonly found in shopping malls, they are overwhelmed by the selection of new shops they are faced with on this strange new floor, and forget all about the third dimension which exists behind their back. That or they’re playing some sick version of King of the Hill, planting their flag at the summit of the mall. The danger, of course, is that the other escalator passengers’ time is running out, as the escalator slowly propels them closer to their inevitable fate, doomed to collide and pile up at the indifferent Stairmaster’s feet like cattle in the slaughter line.

What They Should Do:
Upon reaching the top of an escalator, just keep on going! Or, step aside and survey your wondrous new surroundings. Maybe you’ll meet some like-minded mouth-breathers, similarly baffled. Which brings us to...

The Thin Stupid Line
When you’re on foot and in a hurry in close quarters like a mall or school, you’ll be certain to encounter a mobile fence of people, ambling along in tandem like some lost set of zombie backup dancers from the Thriller video. This wall of human flesh takes up entire sidewalks or hallways, blocking your passage.

What They Should Do:
Walk in rows of two or perhaps a V-formation with a leader at the spearhead. Anything but a single row would allow others to pass around their group.

The Roadblock

It happens to everyone. You’re driving along and you get rear-ended, or bump someone ahead of you. Of course, as a responsible motorist, you want to stop and greet the other party, and investigate the damage to each vehicle. But wait! Are there other cars on the road? If the answer is yes, you should pull your responsible ass over first. This won’t apply to serious accidents, but a typical rear-ending, in which no one is seriously injured and both cars are perfectly operable. Why stop right there? It’s not a crime scene. Gary Sinise and Ted Danson are not coming to investigate. Hell, not even David Caruso gives a sunglass-donning shit about your little fender-bender.

What They Should Do:
Stop worrying about “contaminating the crime scene” and pull the fuck over to the curb or nearest side street.

Speaking of CSI...

Lookie-Loos
No one likes to get stuck in traffic. It’s the worst. Tempers flare and thought-crime rates skyrocket as drivers plot the fantasy murder of whomever is making them late to their destination. Yet it seems like the vast majority of drivers just can’t resist slowing down to stare at the alluring flashing lights of emergency vehicles and indulge in some roadside schadenfreude. For some reason we never shed the childhood interest in ogling a firetruck or a human injury. If you think about it, it’s kind of sick to indulge one’s morbid curiosity at a stranger’s tragedy, yet no matter how late and frustrated you are, when it’s your turn to drive past the accident, you’ll probably slow down to catch a glimpse yourself.

What They Should Do:
Traffic accidents are not for our entertainment. Do your fellow motorists - and your soul - a favour: go home and watch crime and medical shows on TV. By the time you get home, there’s probably nothing else on anyway.

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